The Revolver Report

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


"In a modern world that is littered with strap-on dildos, Sex and the City reruns on four channels at any given time, male purses and all sorts of other quasi-gay European garbage, finger-banging has become an increasingly important act as males seek to reassert themselves sexually.

If you recall, somewhere in your sordid sexual past you probably courted a young seductress who insisted on “saving” herself for some special creep who was much older, had more facial hair and was much more abusive than you were at the time.

Naturally, since you knew that your forlorn member was never going to penetrate that invisible glass casing that seemed to surround her nubile snack-piece, you were left with no choice but to “finger-bang” your frustrations away or simulate traditional penile penetration with your fingers. Today, more and more people are finding that the same finger-banging done out of dire necessity in days of youth is also effective now as another tool in the sexual repertoire.

It should be clearly noted that “finger-banging’” is something quite different than “fingering,” which is something married square-dancers and Christian home-school teachers practice — this is full on banging with all the velocity and burning sexual frustration of a starving jackal in heat. When finger-banging, it is important to treat the act every bit as seriously as normal penis in vagina (PIV) intercourse. So just as in PIV intercourse, it is often advantageous to change positions intermittently when finger-banging, even altering your speed and strength of penetration.

One particularly effective move is to place your good lady in the doggie position to begin the finger-banging. While at first she may appear to be a lost and confused, she will soon understand the method to your madness (this method proves especially effective when a large ass is present to provide proper padding as you bang away at your partners love nest, quickly establishing your male prowess in the bedroom).

As an added bonus, the finger-bang is an especially effective tool to stall for time when a night of whiskey has turned your once trusty Longfellow into a belligerent Bukowski. For a guaranteed return visit, try the finger-bang on the first date and you’ll solidify your reputation as a creep that is worth a drunken phone-call for casual unprotected sex. Via

The Revolver Report Bottom Line: Yeah Dude...Finger BanGGGG!

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